Today we’d like to introduce you to Jess Paulson.
Hi Jess, thanks for sharing your story with us. To start, maybe you can tell our readers some of your backstory.
When I was little, I always knew something was off about my mind, how I did certain things in certain ways. When I was 13, I was diagnosed with OCD, depression and anxiety. I had a very difficult following few years, trying to understand my own mind and adjusting to multiple medications to find the right one, all while trying to navigate through middle and high school. Somewhere along the way, I realized I also had a phobia, called emetophobia (fear of vomiting). My phobia started intertwining with my OCD, to where all of my compulsions were to avoid getting sick, and I had constant intrusive thoughts throughout the day around my phobia.
After years of struggling to live with my own mind, I finally felt I was in a place where I felt my OCD was manageable. I was working and able to go day to day, still with intrusive thoughts and compulsions, but manageable. When I was about 25, I had my first mental breakdown. I was unable to work, had a lot of trouble eating, lost a lot of weight, and stayed inside most of the time. This lasted a few months before I was able to bounce back to a good routine, good meds and felt healthy and happy again.
When I was 28, I had my second mental breakdown. This time was bad. I had gotten sick in the night, following a day where I confidentially “didn’t listen” to my OCD, and breezed past different compulsions. This caused my OCD to backfire on me. When I woke up the next day, my vision was black and white. My OCD was screaming inside my head and held onto the compulsions that I refused the day before as the reason why I got sick. This completely made me spiral into the most difficult year of my life.
For the first 2 weeks after this, I was unable to talk, move, or complete daily tasks. Everytime I opened my mouth to say a word, my OCD was loud inside my head telling me to say different words than I meant to say, or not letting me say certain letters or use certain inflections. Imagine you’re about to say something, and someone starts screaming in your ear what not to say. You get flustered, you cant quite figure out what to say. This is how it felt, and it caused me to have a stutter.
Aside from the speech, my body felt immobile. Every time a body part moved, my OCD was saying things like “don’t let that finger touch that part of the blanket!” “Don’t let your feet touch!” The list goes on, and so for most of the days I stayed in bed in one position. My husband had to help with dressing, bathing, and toileting. This caused him to have to take a leave from work, which led to us losing our health insurance (good timing right!). The most difficult part, was food. The only things I ate were bites of crackers or banana, just enough to be able to take my meds. I was taking max doses of my anxiety meds but my anxiety stayed firm at a 10. My mind and my body were in survival mode for weeks.
After a few months of hopelessness, defeat and depression, I was able to start an intensive OCD treatment program. This is where I learned more about my mental illnesses than I had all my life. I gained skills and techniques that I still use today, and gained most of my independence back. I started seeing a nutritionist and was diagnosed with ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder), and was able to increase my safe foods list and learn about food and the body. I was able to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, after feeling like I had lost my life.
It’s been 4 years since this incident. I work full time, and recently bought my first house with my husband and fur babies.
There are plenty of days that knock me down, days that I don’t get out of bed and feel like my OCD has won again, but I try to just ride the waves as they come, and focus on what makes me happy.
We all face challenges, but looking back would you describe it as a relatively smooth road?
The road has definitely not been smooth, and I know there will always be struggles. I took a lot of steps backwards after treatment, but took a lot more forward. OCD can be such a bully, and some days its easier to stay in bed. I’ve had plenty of days that felt so overwhelming, missed work, went back on my nutrition, etc. But I’ve been able to maintain my independence and have much more high days than low days.
Thanks for sharing that. So, maybe next you can tell us a bit more about your work?
I am a tattoo artist, I enjoy doing floral/botanical and fine line work! I also love to paint. I am most proud of my ability to be an independent worker creating my own schedule in both work and home life, while making sure my mental health and happiness are a priority.
Networking and finding a mentor can have such a positive impact on one’s life and career. Any advice?
There are tons of resources available today for mental health. Aside from medication and therapy, there are a lot of self help books, and videos with skills and techniques for dealing with hard days!
Contact Info:
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jesspaulsonart/
